notes to the new mom {practices of parenting}

1. no child can be spoiled with love.  
we let dishes pile.  every yes is a no to something else, and we want to say yes to now and to love and each other.  they are only little so long, and there aren't endless hours to snuggle baby #2, so we savor moments.  "doing nothing" together may just be everything after all.

{but friend?  not all moments savor-worthy:  poo-splosions, PPD, colic, sickness.  mothering is beautiful and wonderful, but it is hard, and if you're looking for permission not to carpe diem every second, you got it, sister.}

2.  baby carriers are magical.
at the grocery store, communion rail, or around the house, nothing beats securing baby to your chest in a cozy sling or wrap.  babywearing encourages infant sleep, discourages crying, and promotes attachment, making it a wonderful practice to learn in those harried first weeks and well beyond.

3.  we are the experts for our babes. 
not our mothers, neighbors, strangers in the grocery store, well-meaning church ladies, famous authors, or even the pediatrician.  we've learned to trust our instincts and take whatever anyone says with a grain of salt...or a whole salt shaker!

4.  we do what works for us, not whatever "they" say.  
dylan hated sleeping in her crib.  we thought she *should,* so we battled.  all three of us barely slept longer that two and a half hours at at time for eighteen exhausting months.

looking back, i wish we had brought her into bed with us and taken sleep where we could get it instead of trying to force what wasn't working.  dylan would have slept on her own eventually; she didn't have to do it from day one.

5.  relax.
milestones and schedules are not worth stressing over.  every kid is different.

6.  breastfeeding is natural (and wonderful and worth it), but it is not easy. 
read about it.  go to la leche league meetings.  take a breastfeeding class.  meet with a lactation consultant.  ask for help.  having good support can make all the difference.

but, also?  not every mother can.  not every mother wants to.  we work.  we adopt.  we face health problems.  we all give our babies our best and nourish and comfort them just like they need--with breast, pump, or formula.  at ease, mamas!

7.  every parent needs time away.
we [try to] schedule regular time for solitude and adult community and refuse to feel guilty about it.  time away nurtures us as people and makes us better equipped to love and serve each other.

8.  we all end up doing something as a parent that we swore we'd never do.  
it's true.  so we try to put away judging eyes and never say never.

9.  comparison is soul-crushing.  
so what if her kid walked first or sleeps through the night?  so what if she sews halloween costumes, mills her own flour, or weighs less pregnant than i do now?

we're different:  gifted in some ways and lacking in others.  we don't have the whole story on anyone else, and comparison only makes us feel competitive and self-conscious.  the mommy wars are a war against women that we'll all lose.  so we lay down arms.  we become conscientious objectors.

10.  there are no perfect parents.
even the ones that look like they have it all together don't.   we give ourselves--and one another--a break, permission to ask for help, and release from the fear of messing it up.  we apologize, ask forgiveness, and keep going.  perfection is an illusion, but we will find our sea legs and mercies new every morning.

what have you learned about motherhood?  what advice would you pass along?


{i wrote this in the throes of parenting baby #2 when #1 was two and a half. originally published 5/6/10. shared with sarah's parenting carnival.}