if i'm being honest, my anger flares just as quickly and often leaves as big a mess.
things that ought to be minor annoyances set me off fast: i stub my toe. there are no baby wipes. he's crying. she's whining. jim is still not home.
i curse like a trucker in my head.
my edges fray. sometime it feels like i might completely unravel with the tiniest tug of a thread.
i am impatient. i yell, and my heart breaks. i don't want to be an angry mom.
i apologize: "i am sorry for yelling, dylan. mommy shouldn't have yelled."
mere words often fall flat.
dylan is testing us with defiance right now. it's a battle, and a lot of days, it feels like she's winning. she's always so quick to apologize: "sorry mommy!" but they're just words.
i tell her, "i don't want to hear that you're sorry again. i want you to stop disobeying!"
the refrain makes little impression on my two year-old, but they cut to my own heart.
how repentant am i really if i continue responding in anger?
"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20my anger is not producing the righteousness that God desires. that i desire. O Lord, how i long for righteousness!
yet, still i shy away from His throne. like eve, i hide from His presence. i try to manage my sin on my own, fail miserably, and feel even more broken and frayed.
but God calls me near again. i hear His voice. i come. i listen.
i remember the promises:
i am His delight. i am a new creation. i am God's workmanship. i am forgiven.
and slowly, i am being transformed.
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