Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Sunday

in the half-light of our love


One of my favorite songwriters is Bill Deasy, party because his work reveals a sort of incarnational bent toward life and love. He is (was?) Catholic, and I suspect that Catholicism has something to teach the rest of us about how faith is embodied.

In vain I tried to find a video to share with you of one of my favorite songs of his. There are clips here and here, but you should probably just go ahead pick up his whole catalog. (And his fiction while you're at it.)

So no melody for you. Pretend it's a poem. Which, of course, it is.

Naked

8 years old and running with a pounding in my chest
Hard to say how often, almost every day I guess
Me and little Nancy from across the neighborhood
Taking all our clothes of in a clearing in the woods
Until one day the sun broke through the trees
And suddenly I saw that we were

Naked - dancing near the devil's flame
Naked - I ran home carrying my shame
All great big and heavy 
16 years later I was 24
I would awaken to the slamming of an unfamiliar door
I'd take in my surroundings by nothing'd ring a bell
Oh it was really kind of boring, my little sideshow hell
Steam covered mirrors did not lie
And suddenly I saw that I was 
Naked - pencil thin and paper dry
Naked - I didn't leave a note goodbye 
Time takes time
Change goes slow
Love comes hard
To folks I know 
Now here I'm standing, got this baggage at my feet
Yeah it's the usual assortment of forgetful memories
Ain't it funny how you saw it all and didn't run away?
Yeah it's funny how in showing you I knew I was okay
Here in the half-light of our love
Your body fits me like a glove 
Naked - what you see is who I am
Naked - I finally found the strength to stand
Naked - who we are is all I am yeah
Naked - I finally found the guts to stand here naked
{Bill Deasy, from Chasing Down a Spark}

Thursday

fish out of water {guest post Misty Green}

Misty is the very first friend I made through blogging, back when I was a new mama finding my voice and my footing. I am so grateful to host her words here, particularly now that she keeps them farther from screens and closer to her heart. This piece on beauty, shame, and mortality is something I'll be meditating on for a while. Enjoy, friends.


We’re told we hover, clothed from a thousand fig leaves, ashamed of our figures and functions and dying an eve’s death; today is just one more day of our mortality, bought with the price of a bite in forbidden fruit.

And yes, fig leaves cover (is this our multitude of sins? hiding from the God we walked with?).

And yes, many of us lie naked and ashamed (and not, in fact, because we wish to dominate Adam’s sons).

Have you read C.S. Lewis’s Till We Have Faces? It’s a terror-ific (not to be read terrific, which it certainly is, also) manuscript full of holy and misguided theology, the kind that wears thistles to betray our fear. It is a myth that tells a truth, and it’s my favorite novel. I won’t waste words here on how it’s a book of faith and mercy but will simply quote a passage:

I felt ashamed.
But, of what? Psyche, they hadn’t stripped you naked or anything?
No, no, Maia. Ashamed of looking like a mortal—of being a mortal.
But how could you help that?
Don’t you think the things people are most ashamed of are the things they can’t help? 

This passage gets at something crucial—that we humans are wearing skin that is improbably ours. That we are mortal in the face of God who can’t but look on our skin as what it is: mud weaved with grace-breath. And instead of choosing Psyche’s fear (to look like our skin), we fear our skin itself or rather, its loss, decay, disease and frailty, the constant breakdown of something that is on borrowed time.

Herein is faith: we wear a transient gift over our eternal parts. And defeat? That we mock our Maker by hating and fearing our outer selves. It takes faith to see that a True Self extends beyond our bodies, but there is faith, too, in beholding each other and ourselves as Lovely in the interim.

We long for Beauty; this is in our nature, divined in the image of One who creates. We lust after beauty, create things of beauty or images we persuade each other are beautiful, and all too soon we see only fog in mirrors and shadows instead of sunsets. We can deride constructs and tropes and counterfeit beauty (camouflage), or we can run to the shield of the inner beauty and raise her flag, and in both scenarios, we might often return to our tear-soaked pillows, afraid of our own un-loveliness.

I know I have. I know I do. And I tell myself I know better, that external beauty is skin deep, and I think that’s exactly part of the problem.

We were never meant to have beautiful skin, but we chase the elusive idea of perfection, or we shy away from being un-fully-known. This skin of ours is a wet suit designed to get us through “finitism.”

Like a fish out of water, we long always to get out of the temporal and back to eternity. And faith is trusting the journey there. Trusting that being a ‘mere mortal’ is part process, part gift, and part dying a hundred deaths to self.

After all,

It takes faith for a husband to love his wife, though she’s been abused and she still suffers with intimacy sometimes.

It takes faith for a woman to trust her husband’s words: You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

It takes faith for a broken mother to draw her children closer when her mind is screaming for space to be herself again.

It takes faith for a battle-worn couple to face the front doors of that church, to enter a place of worship, afraid the smell of sin and stagnancy clings to them like smoke.

This skin? Kind of expensive for a bite of fruit. Cheap in the face of grace that weeps bitter 'til we can see our Father face-to-face.


misty is mama to four boys, wife to a man she calls home. homeschooling one year at a time. God-believer. An introvert who talks a lot and is terribly awkward at ending phone calls. an ex-blogger (also awkwardly ended). lover of words, wearer of grace.

Friday

on objectification {or, how people aren't objects no matter what they wear}


As hemlines and the heat index rise, so do temperatures of the modesty debates among Christians. 'Tis the season, and nothing says summer quite like barbecue, swimsuits, and a good, old fashioned slut-shame.

What interests me especially is how the language of objectification creeps into these conversations about modesty. Feminists have long rallied against objectification of women in pornography and culture, and in an unexpected plot twist, conservative Christians seem to be jumping aboard the anti-objectification train, too. At first glance, this appears to be a step in the right direction. Yay for diverse coalitions against the idol patriarchy!

But somehow that train always seems to derail somewhere in Gnostic Territory, a grim and fearsome wasteland. Wallala leialala. Do. Not. Want.

I want to talk about what objectification is and isn't, how the premises of these debates are flawed, and how we can reframe this conversation to reflect what we believe about the incarnation. Feminism and Christianity may be strange bedfellows, but together they really can shape a positive counter-narrative to the stifling, demeaning, and heretical ones casting men as feral beasts and women as objects of lust (or scorn) instead of all of us embodied, fully human people bearing the image of God.

We are {created for} so much more than this.

---

Recently, a Christian website put up a much shared video called The Evolution of the Swimsuit: Can Modesty Make a Comeback? In it, Jessica Rey, owner of a one-piece swimwear line, blames the bikini for cultural decline and the dehumanization of women. So scandalous was the first modern bikini, it was modeled by a French stripper! She cites Modern Girl Magazine in 1957 opining that "no girl with tact or decency would ever wear such a thing"--that is, until the sexual revolution and women's movement seemingly sent both out the window. For Rey, women exercising power over their wardrobe, body, or sexuality by donning a two-piece cannot be construed in any sort of positive light. Citing a Princeton study and an article about it, Rey makes this bold claim:

Analysts at the National Geographic concluded that bikinis really do inspire men to see women as objects, as something to be used rather than someone to connect with. So, it seems that wearing a bikini does give a woman power, the power to shut down a man’s ability to see her as a person, but rather as an object.

Firstly, weird use of "inspire" there, but secondly, this power women allegedly have to cause men to dehumanize us is pretty much the worst superpower ever conceived, huh? Rey imbues certain types of clothing with the ability to override men's capacity to see women as fully human. The bikini transforms a woman from a person whose body, sexuality, and autonomy are integrated parts of her humanity into some sort of sex kitten patronus existing for male service and fantasy--and it's her own damn fault. The weak-willed man (and they're all weak according to this narrative) is helpless against this overwhelming swimsuit-induced urge to define a woman entirely by her body parts and his own projected desire.

WHAT. This is an astoundingly low view of masculinity, and it's also the same sexist woman-as-vixen/Jezebel/temptress trope that folks have been peddling ever since Eve tasted the fruit in the Garden of Eden.

I couldn't find the original studies to read, but that National Geographic article mentions a few details Rey left out: the sample group included just twenty-one men, some of the photos the students reacted to were of headless torsos and breasts (not women with faces), and the men who seemed to objectify those disembodied images also "scored higher as 'hostile sexists'—those who view women as controlling and invaders of male space."

It doesn't exactly read like the moral mandate to ban the bikini like Rey seems to suggest. The Daily Princetonian, interviewing the study authors, reported:

Study participants were also asked to fill out a survey designed to measure how sexist they are. The researchers found that when the men whose surveys indicated that they were the most sexist saw the pictures of women in bikinis, they were least likely to activate a part of the brain associated with thinking about people’s minds and thoughts, Fiske said.
“I think [the study] does relate to the effects of having pornography and sexualized images of women around and in the media because they spill over into how people treat women in general,” Fiske said, adding that these images may dehumanize women and encourage men to see them as objects. “You have to be aware of the effect of these images on people,” Fiske explained. “They’re not neutral. They do have an effect on how people think about other women.” 
Cikara said she agreed that the reactions observed in the study might be a consequence of society’s emphasis on sexualized female imagery. 
“This research can certainly help to further our understanding of the effect of sexualized women, whether in advertising or in the office,” Cikara said, adding that “men can totally override this response.” She noted that men do not look at their wives or sisters in the same way that they look at a sexualized image of a woman on an advertising billboard.

Now we're getting somewhere. While Rey argues that the bikini causes men to objectify women, implying both feminine blame and a female onus to change men's minds and their dehumanizing behavior (assumptions that are a quick jump to disturbing "she asked for it" rape apology), the Princeton study's authors suggest instead that objectification is rooted in pornography and sexism, and that men are in fact empowered to control their own gaze and action, a remarkably different conclusion than Rey's.

From The Princetonian again: "Fiske said the results indicated that some men may objectify or dehumanize partially clothed women, though further research is needed to confirm these findings." 

*Some men* may objectify partially clothed women. *Further research is needed.* to confirm these findings.

I won't jump on the "Bikinis Are Bad" bandwagon just because researchers flashed images of boobs to a few Princeton co-eds whose brains activated "regions associated with objects or 'things you manipulate with your hands.'" As Jonalyn Fincher argues, that can certainly be seen as a natural responseSexual attraction is hardly indicative of viewing people as objects, and desire is something distinct from objectification. 

Desire says, I want youObjectification says, I want that. 

Sexualized and pornographic images can cast women as objects in a way that an actual woman in a bikini on the beach does not replicate AT ALL. Objectification treats people as tools existing for the pleasure or utility of others. It reduces people to their body parts and appearance, denying their agency, autonomy, and personhood. Christians mistakenly conflate sexual desire with objectification in these discussions, but that betrays a gnostic suspicion of bodies and a lack of understanding that objectification is rooted not in attraction (or sexiness) but the commodification of women's bodies and sexuality.

[Edited to add: Attraction and a temptation to objectify fall along a spectrum that these heteronormative modesty debates fail to acknowledge. As I unpack harmful assumptions implicit in these discussions, I want to recognize that LGBTQ people and attractions (and female desire in general) are generally rendered invisible in these conversations, and that's not okay either. Objectification denies the imago Dei intrinsic to all of us: male, female, queer, gay, straight, and otherwise.]

Sexuality is an integrated part of our humanity even if we are celibate and no matter how we're dressed. It's pornography that can divorce sexuality from humanity, but strangely, so does much evangelical Christian teaching, especially aimed at single people and teens. We've falsely elevated spirit over flesh, misunderstood attraction as lust, and expected something akin to asexuality from unmarried Christians instead of wrestling honestly with what it looks like as individuals and communities to honor God and one another with our sexuality (even if we aren't having sex).

We might disagree on the appropriateness of certain outfits in certain settings, but the choice to wear sexy clothes (something that will always be culturally and personally relative) is never an invitation to view a person as an object. Can we maybe also stop projecting our preferences and prejudices onto people who don't share our faith? A million factors play into how we present ourselves, but dressing to receive sexual attention is still not asking to be seen or treated as a thing instead of a person. A sexual person (and we're all sexual people) is still and always a person.

Clothing and people do not send "Objectify me!" messages, and presenting oneself as female, attractive, or even sexy does not compromise anyone's humanity. Gnosticism, not Christian orthodoxy, casts suspicion and shame on bodies and sexuality, and it was struck down as heresy by the Church long ago. The God who made our bodies called them good and the Incarnation, in which God became flesh, further affirm the value of embodied life.

Women are people; we don't use our "powers" to cause anyone to dehumanize us. Men are people, too, capable of taking "every thought captive" and refusing to let pornography be the lens through which they relate to others. None of us is defined by desire, appearance, sin, or anyone's approval; our intrinsic, unchangeable worth stems from being made in the imago Dei.

Some will objectify a woman no matter what she wears; a cute one-piece, like those in Rey's swimwear line, is unlikely to make a difference to anyone who is predisposed to disrespect women (like the "hostile sexists" in the study). It's sad that Rey's video serves to normalize rather than challenge objectification and shame, but it's deeply troubling that she blames women for men's sexual brokenness. Upholding dignity (as Rey argues for) is a worthy goal, but if we're arguing and living like men are animals and women are objects, we're practicing the sort of terrible theology that can't get us there. There's not a thing a woman can wear to change a culture that treats her as subhuman.

Christians call this Sin. Feminists call it Rape Culture. Either way, it's the sort of brokenness for which Christ died. Resurrection sets brokenness aright, and as Christians, we too are called to be people who push back the effects of the Fall. We can't shrug our shoulders about the inevitability of sin and objectification when we worship a God who raises the dead and breathes new life from ash. When the world is not as it should be, we kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight and commit to growing something better.

But we can't create a faithful alternative to an oversexed, objectifying culture by pathologizing sexuality and imposing modesty rules rooted in bad theology, misogyny, or dysfunction. I believe in seeking to honor God, others, and self, but modesty is something best wrestled with privately and locally and has considerably more to do with humility than swimwear anyway. Universalized rules weigh like chains, and we're not called to bind others to to the specific ways we discern God leading us.

What if instead of reacting against an increasingly sexualized culture with shame, fear, and legalism, we demonstrated what a whole and holy sexuality might look like? What if Christians were known less by our self-righteous spiritualizing and more for being people who understand what it is to be fully human? What if we countered objectification by treating every person we meet with dignity, as one who bears the very the image of God?

Because we do, in swimwear and anything else. We're beloved and fully human, no matter what.

Thursday

the peace of keeping the darkness at bay {guest post Luke Harms}

When Luke writes about peace, I listen. When he writes about his wife, I want to drive down to Virginia and spend time with their whole family. His wisdom is no armchair theorizing or Pollyanna naivete: Luke went to war and came home a fighter for the Kingdom of God. I'm grateful to host his powerful words here today. Welcome, Luke.


there is darkness in me

pictures of torn flesh, broken bodies
echoes of gunshots, explosions, sirens
memories of dead friends, dead enemies, dead kids
and the numbness of not being able to care

this darkness runs deep

like an icy brook, it flows through every part of me
running through shoulders and arms to hands that would strike blows
rushing through hips and knees to feet that would run to battle
and crashing through tongue and teeth to a mouth that would speak death

but there is light in me

reflections of the One who is greater, truer, nobler
of the One who seeks to restore, to heal, to redeem
the One whose love casts out fear
and whose hope renews all things

this light runs deeper still

it brings life where there was only death
hope where there was only despair
it pushes down and beats back the darkness
leaving behind that blessed companion:

peace.

-----


"What kind of person does that?" and "Who wants a murderer for a father?"

I threw the questions like stones. She sat and listened while the darkness washed over me.

She had seen me at my darkest before. I was fully in it, and she could tell. Eyes dead and lifeless, voice cold and distant, this wasn't me, it was that cold, deep darkness. This was every terrible thing I had seen and every terrible thing I had done wrapping itself around me and choking the life out of me. I could not see, feel, hear or remember anything but this darkness that had become my constant companion.

But she was ready.

She stayed. And she listened. She saw me. She heard me. And when she opened her mouth to speak, the Holy Dove came to rest on her shoulder as she said,

"You. Are. More."

She went on, and her words were light and life and comfort and healing and all of the things that I hadn't felt in nearly a decade, and in that moment, in pushing back that darkness and making room for the light of redemption to shine in and reclaim what had been lost to darkness, as the One himself said,

she was a peacemaker.
she was a Child of God.

And I realized what it meant to make peace, to be ready and willing to step into the breach and keep the darkness at bay. The same way I had been intentional in making war, making peace requires sacrifice, cultivation, reprogramming.

-----

As warriors, we trained for war. We didn't go to war without an understanding of exactly what it was we were there to do. We were there to visit great and terrible violence upon those who would oppose us, and we were well versed in the means and methods of that violence.

As peacemakers, we must train even more, so that the darkness might not overwhelm. If peace is to come, we must seek first that Kingdom whose Prince is Peace. We are here to visit great and terrible grace on those who need it, and we must be well-versed in the means and methods of that Love that enables and empowers us to keep the darkness at bay.

The constant press of the darkness is always threatening to consume us, but peace is the space that exists where we've pushed the darkness out.

So hone your craft, peacemaker.

Live an ethos of peace with your family, your coworkers, your neighbors...your enemies.
Learn what it means to push back the darkness...not just in and for those you love.
Look for opportunities to make peace...even if it costs you.
Love extravagantly and unreasonably...always.


Luke is a husband, a dad, a Jesus-lover and justice seeker.  He is a former soldier whose life's work seems to be trying to make people understand why he now abhors violence. He is far less serious than some of his writing makes him out to be. Most of all though, he is work in progress. He writes about how the work is progressing regularly at Living in the Tension and also contributes over at A Deeper Family.  



Friday

making peace with a postpartum body {guest post, Danielle}

Please welcome Danielle, a friend who shares an honest glimpse at her readjustment to life, marriage, and body after giving birth two months ago. She writes with gentle candor about a sensitive topic and difficult season that is not often discussed. Please show her some love and encouragement, especially if you've walked this road to the other side.


Since giving birth recently to our first child, Elden, I have faced a broad range of overwhelming feelings and problems associated with becoming a new mom. From altered physical appearance to learning how to balance working full-time, taking care of a baby, and nurturing my marriage, I became trapped in a place of uncertainty.

The stretchmarks wreaked havoc those last seven weeks (and here I was at 33 weeks thinking I had escaped unscathed). Pushing out an ounce-shy-of-nine-pounds baby damaged me in other ways: physical intimacy is presently excruciating and therefore scarce. The uncertainty of my body image and sexual appeal, fatigue from middle of the night feedings, and general stress from balancing work and trying to keep a relatively clean house certainly don't help. 

The nights we fumble because I am unsure, insecure, and tired fill my head with fears: are we losing each other? Will we ever be intimate the way we used to be? The past three weeks I filled my head with concern, asking Jon through sobs if we were heading towards divorce. Above all else? I am angry with God. I find myself questioning Him about my situation: 

We waited until we were married to know each other physically, so why am I being punished? Why are you allowing us to struggle in such a crucial marital area when you see the havoc it is wreaking on our relationship? Why can't You just allow things to go back to how they used to be between us? 

The thing about these postpartum hormones? They consume you. Between my cries, Elden's hours-long colic episodes, and Jon's crazy school/work/stay-at-home Dad schedule, peace is hard to find in our home. Thankfully, I am blessed with a completely loving and patient husband who is my biggest supporter and source of encouragement. 

He never tires of reassuring me that he thinks I'm beautiful. He encourages us to pray together each night over the things that lay heaviest on my heart, including our physical intimacy. His patience and love encouraged me to have some honest conversations with God. Lots of confessions regarding my doubt and accusations while begging for patience. More than anything, praying that Jon and I will never cease communicating and working on our relationship in other ways, such as sacrificing an extra thirty minutes of sleep so that we can just talk about our days and reconnect. 

I began encouraging myself by avoiding derogatory thoughts about my physical appearance. Think of the blessing that resulted from these changes! It doesn't take much beyond that little reminder to change my attitude as I realize how truly blessed I am. 

I'm gradually learning how to be at peace while looking forward with thanksgiving. These struggles will ultimately make our marriage stronger. For now, though, I am learning to have patience and to hope. "For every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1).




Danielle, 23, is a new mom to Elden (born August 3), wife to Jon, and blogger at youngnotpowerless.comShe is a biomedical engineer for a small medical device company in Cleveland, Ohio, and enjoys spending weekends working on house projects.

grace notes {ten years}

We met at twenty, bright eyes wide to love and adventure, and marriage accorded both in plenty. Grateful today for ten years and life written together.

You are the known way leading always to the unknown,
and you are the known place to which the unknown is always
leading me back.  -Wendell Berry


Ten years and the betters outweigh the worse by far
We wouldn't trade lavish stories for fuller pockets,
for our eyes glimpsed God's faithful hand at work

Memories cling like fire escapes to third floor walk-ups
The barista and bike messenger fade to lore for
country views and two babes our love made
Four helmets line the hall and we still savor coffee hot

Did you think that we'd be young forever, too?

But we've grown up, learned grace notes
Hearts rest in being known and loving more

An outpost in a peaceable kingdom can be a lonely place, but
home is wherever i'm with you.

This poem is reworked from one published 8/24/11.
Another on married love: Full Hearts

Thursday

full hearts




I don't recognize us on tv.
Bed-hopping thirty-somethings who can't commit
and perennial adolescence bear little resemblance
to our ten years and two littles.

I don't recognize us in church, either,
in the mythology of headship and obedience.
Who really knows what happens in a marriage;
books tell it slant, or backwards.
We just try to follow Jesus
hand in hand.

There was that time, last summer, when I asked the priest
could he recommend a counselor?
A sage who loved freedom and mystery and Jesus?

He couldn't think of any. (Not one.)

We never wanted to reinvent the wheel;
we're not discovering the New World,
just persevering in love.

Last night, it was eleven before you came home.
You're the man-child whisperer, aren't you,
teaching those boys what grace and strength can be.

I realize I may have glimpsed you onscreen after all,
if Coach Taylor were a camp director,
and a feminist.



inspired by  #mutuality2012 and shared with imperfect prose.
image of my sister & her husband by Amy Reams Photo. 

Tuesday

as it was made to be


I texted your sister. I told her she was right; Friday Night Lights won me over.
It did?! [I'm well into season three, and his protests are long and well-documented.]  What was it that hooked you? Was it Coach Taylor's molding of men? His refusal to phone anything in?

No, I think it was Principal Boobs, he says, laughing.

I smack him on the arm, but I'm laughing, too.

***

There's a lightness there that wasn't always. We were seeing past each other, ships in the night and all.

He's been traveling, but when he's home, he's home. His eyes catch mine, and there's light in the recognition.

So I blow out my bangs.  We put kids to bed and pour wine. We snuggle into the couch and admit that Tami Taylor can rock a V-neck with the best of 'em.  And we're an us.


{image source}

Friday

maybe all i need is a shot in the arm


may i brag about my husband for a bit?

jim received an award tonight from our local american red cross chapter for the work he has done to bring wilderness first aid medicine to this region.  they praised his passion and service and more than that, his character.

jim is a man who is generous, who pursues excellence always and is an asset to any team because of his skill set and leadership gifts.  he never seeks credit and his efforts can go unnoticed--but not tonight.

my eyes welled with tears to see him affirmed.  it does a wife's heart good to see her man's life and work celebrated.

but i felt the ache of conviction, too.  the truth is that i've begrudged the work jim has done for them.  the hours and weekends away--and there weren't even that many!  my goodness, several individuals tonight received awards for thousands of hours served this year alone!

jim and i have been in vocational ministry throughout our entire marriage:  at church, christian school, and for the last 6+ years at camp.  we serve because we love it.  it is a real blessing to feel passionate about one's work, and to impact the Kingdom of God in tangible ways--and get paid for it--is an honor we don't take for granted.  we've never made much money, but our needs are always met, and to get to see God's hand at work in the lives of hundreds of people is an awesome and beautiful thing.

but ministry hours can be long:  stupid-long in the summer, and jim works most weekends throughout the year.  when summer camp and its wild schedules wane, i guard our family time fiercely.  volunteer obligations that eat up precious evenings and weekends without adding income are not my favorite.  the honest truth is that they piss me off, and i hate that, because being against volunteerism is like hating rainbows and goodness and puppies and america, and what, should we only love on the clock?

but when your work is serving, you can get a little served out--at least i can.  i'm projecting.  jim rarely feels like that, but i get jealous of his time away from us.  it's a vocational ministry hazard, i suppose, or perhaps one faced by all the helping professions.  our family will continue to wrestle with the balance, but in the meantime, i'm grateful that tonight was a shot in arm.  it turns out, a little civic engagement can chase away a cloud of cynicism.

tonight was especially poignant as the human toll of flooding, hurricanes, wildfires, and 9/11 have all been in all our hearts and prayers.  the red cross honored local companies who give furniture to fire victims and fund disaster relief at home and abroad. we honored people who leave their families to travel out of state when flood or hurricanes ravage and aid is desperately needed.  we honored citizens who give sacrificially so that hospitals have blood, and supplies, comfort and relief are available in emergencies.

we honored my husband, whose vision and work are expanding the reach of red cross service.  it's Kingdom work, too--on earth as it is in heaven.

Christ has no body now on earth but yours,
no hands but yours,
no feet but yours,
Yours are the eyes through which to look out
Christ's compassion to the world
Yours are the feet with which he is to go about
doing good;
Yours are the hands with which he is to bless men now.
-St. Teresa of Avila 


{image source}

Wednesday

to one by one forever be


nine years and the betters
outweigh the worse by far.
love and laughter, tears and struggle,
a bit more poor than rich, but that's ministry.
we wouldn't trade our lavish stories for fuller pockets
because our eyes have seen God's very hand at work

from third floor walk-ups, baristas and bike messengers, to
summer camp, backyard chickens, and the two beautiful babes our love made,
it's been quite a ride.

did you think we'd be young forever, too?

but we've grown up, figuring out this
life faith marriage parenting thing together.
love grows
and we're learning as we go:

speaking truth in love
the grace of forgiveness
the beauty of a humble spirit
(yours speaks volumes, love)

an outpost in a peaceable Kingdom can be
a lonely place, but
home is wherever i'm with you

i'm ever-grateful for the one we've built together


shared with emily and imperfect prose.  even though this was not a five minute post, i'm linking with the gypsy mama because her prompt "older" was just so fitting.

Monday

department of fun

years ago, when my sister was in college, i took a trip to new york city to visit and bought a pretty red dress.  i wore it to a summer wedding way back then and again this weekend to my college roommate's wedding in DC.

i could see how one might think, in seven years, have you never purchased another wedding-worthy summer dress?

and to that, i would say, no, friend. i have not, unless you count maternity dresses.  which i won't.

i would also say, perhaps you are missing the point of my story:  after two kids, i can still fit into said dress!

jim and i got away for one night without kids--our first since, well, we had kids three and half years ago.  my parents graciously drove out from philly and stayed the night so we could go to DC and celebrate our friend's marriage.  she was gorgeous, the site spectacular, and a night of dancing with best college friends, priceless.  i don't think i've danced so much since our wedding.

we needed it desperately:  time away, among grown-ups.  a quiet car and conversation.  time to remember what it's like to be Jim and Suzannah and not just Dad and Mama or Camp Director and Spouse.

speaking of which, at dinner when people shared what kind of work they did, eyes grew wide when jim said he builds ropes courses and directs an adventure program at camp.

amazing, one said.  all i ever meet are bureaucrats!

we told them jim works at the Department of Fun.

many thanks to my parents for letting us get away and blessings to justine and sean on your life together.  we love you.

Sunday

the country of marriage

V.

Our bond is no little economy based on the exchange
of my love and work for yours, so much for so much
of an expendable fund. We don't know what its limits are--
that puts us in the dark. We are more together
than we know, how else could we keep on discovering
we are more together than we thought?
You are the known way leading always to the unknown,
and you are the known place to which the unknown is always
leading me back. More blessed in you than I know,
I possess nothing worthy to give you, nothing
not belittled by my saying that I possess it.
Even an hour of love is a moral predicament, a blessing
a man may be hard up to be worthy of. He can only
accept it, as a plant accepts from all the bounty of the light
enough to live, and then accepts the dark,
passing unencumbered back to the earth, as I
have fallen tine and again from the great strength
of my desire, helpless, into your arms.     

                                                         --Wendell Berry 

thanking God tonight for my husband and the picture of grace that is marriage.

lifting up my friend katy and her husband tyler (whose beautiful wedding i attended tonight):  may the unknown always lead you back to one another.

may the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you (1 thessalonians 3:12) 

image source

Thursday

the ministry of reconciliation

public speaking terrifies me.  it doesn't matter how prepared i am or how passionate about the topic:  i will stumble awkwardly over my words, and i will turn red.

it starts at my chest:  blotchy patches climb and spread up my neck like poison ivy and my fair cheeks flush with embarrassment.  i sweat.  it's awful.

despite all that, i agreed to be the speaker at worship at camp last sunday.  they asked, and it was one of those things i felt i "should" do.  not out of obligation--it's a big staff and someone else could have done it.  i said yes because it's important to hear women's voices, especially in the Church, and saying no felt like a step backward.

i spoke about a passage in 2 corinthians about reconciliation and being a new creation in Christ.  it's a favorite passage, but i can't explain why it stood out to me as a topic for camp.

summer camp requires jim to work most hours he's awake.  to say he's not home much doesn't really get at the scope of his commitment there.  we try to go to camp to see him for meals, but dozens of staff vie for his attention (not to mention our two little ones), and we don't connect.

last night, after the kids went to bed, we had one of those discussions that twists your stomach in knots.  the kind where time ticks by and no progress is made. 

but this time, we didn't give up.  we didn't yell or walk away frustrated.  we chose not to surrender to disconnect or lack of understanding.

we did the work of reconciliation.

we listened and heard and understood.  we apologized.  we experienced the grace of being known and loved still.  we glimpsed in one another what it is to re-created:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.

the new has come.  day by day, moment by moment, God's grace reveals itself.

and we are transformed.

Bigger Picture Moment


Tuesday

persevere in love

in honor of my sister's engagement, i wanted to write something about marriage.  about grace and service.  about dying to self.  about sacrifice and shared ministry.  about being known and loved anyway.  about forgiveness.

but these ideas seemed so lofty, and i didn't have the words yet.  so i shall share lauren winner's words, and she's got some goodies.  b, this is for you, and it's about community, so it's right up your alley.  we all could use a reminder that our relationships are not meant to stand alone, and that marriage exists in a larger context:
"Insofar as marriage tells the Christian community a particular story, marriage is for the community. It reminds us of the communion and community that is possible between and among people who have been made new creatures in Christ. And it hints at the eschatological union between Christ and the Church. As Catholic ethicist Julie Hanlon Rubio has put it, “marriage consists not simply or even primarily of a personal relationship. Rather, it crystallizes the love of the larger church community. The couple is not just two-in-one, but two together within the whole, with specific responsibility for the whole. . They must persevere in love, because the community needs to see God’s love actualized among God’s people.” The inflections of community are important because they get at the very meanings of marriage. Marriage is a gift God gives the church. He does not simply give it to the married people of the church, but to the whole church, just as marriage is designed not only for the benefit of the married couple. It is designed to tell a story to the entire church, a story about God’s own love and fidelity to us."
it's a heady task, this marriage as living-out God's grace in community, but i know that you and jerod are up for its challenges and joys.  we are bursting with excitement for you both!



Wednesday

unexpected wisdom

this morning i flipped channels to regis and kelly, and they were interviewing ashton kutcher. they asked him about demi moore and their marriage, and he said something i found to be really interesting and true.

ashton said that guys grow up wanting to have sex, and that is their ultimate relationship goal. girls, he said, desire to have a beautiful, perfect wedding. very few people are looking beyond sex or weddings and talking about what it looks like to build a solid, lasting marriage. he said that the key to happiness in his marriage is that they continue to work on it while it is good.

who knew boyish celebrity heartthrobs had so much insight into making a marriage work?
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